Thursday, April 11, 2013

J is for Jacob & Rachel

The day of J-ay.
And this first poem was a first poem, scheduled and ready to post.  Then I came back to it today (which is yesterday officially for you) to check and see what I had put together.  I wasn't satisfied with it.  So I started messing with it.  I was just going to add to it, but then before I knew it:
Cut.  Revise.  Cut.  Paste in a different spot.  Cut.  Add. Edit-Undo, Edit-Undo.  Rewrite.  Add.  Think. Think.  Admonition to self - "Stop thinking and just see, feel and write".  Cut a bit, move a bit.  Done.  Whoops!  One more word change.

So the first poem just under the picture is old, below ~~~~~~ is new and revised.

"Jacob & Rachel"
1.
The lobsterman's job
To pass on to kin:
The traps are hauled up
And then tossed back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.
With barnacled hands
Sand dollar skin
 Periwinkle eyes
And rocky hard chin
He’s  a part of the land
A part of the sea
 A heart for the deep and
For his family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3.
Barnacled hands,
Sand dollar skin,
 Periwinkle eyes,
Rocky ledge chin;
 Part of the land,
Portion of sea;
 Heart for the deep
And for family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now that I see both together, the second one is nothing at all like the original.  That's good.  Do you agree?  Or do you prefer the first?
"But I see three poems here," I hear you saying.  Okay, just came back to this, this morning, and did some cutting and resulted in #3.  That's my pick.  What a transition!  I think I'm finally happy with it.  Less is more here.  J is also for Just Do It.
I like revising.  Do you?  Have you ever started with a poem or piece and messed with it so much that it ended up totally different?

Educational Jargon:

Jumbo: A lobster that weighs over 2-1/2 pounds.


7 comments:

  1. I'm not sure between 2 and 3, actually.

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm. Maybe too much missing? By tonight it may have morphed into something different! Good thing I'm on the road most of today.

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  2. i like them all--esp. # 2----i love your theme this year :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Lynn! It's a fun theme to work with.

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  3. Yep, the third one is the best, but I like that rather tongue-in-cheek of no. 1. Nice to hear about the process, Donna!

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