Thursday, April 11, 2013

J is for Jacob & Rachel

The day of J-ay.
And this first poem was a first poem, scheduled and ready to post.  Then I came back to it today (which is yesterday officially for you) to check and see what I had put together.  I wasn't satisfied with it.  So I started messing with it.  I was just going to add to it, but then before I knew it:
Cut.  Revise.  Cut.  Paste in a different spot.  Cut.  Add. Edit-Undo, Edit-Undo.  Rewrite.  Add.  Think. Think.  Admonition to self - "Stop thinking and just see, feel and write".  Cut a bit, move a bit.  Done.  Whoops!  One more word change.

So the first poem just under the picture is old, below ~~~~~~ is new and revised.

"Jacob & Rachel"
1.
The lobsterman's job
To pass on to kin:
The traps are hauled up
And then tossed back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.
With barnacled hands
Sand dollar skin
 Periwinkle eyes
And rocky hard chin
He’s  a part of the land
A part of the sea
 A heart for the deep and
For his family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3.
Barnacled hands,
Sand dollar skin,
 Periwinkle eyes,
Rocky ledge chin;
 Part of the land,
Portion of sea;
 Heart for the deep
And for family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now that I see both together, the second one is nothing at all like the original.  That's good.  Do you agree?  Or do you prefer the first?
"But I see three poems here," I hear you saying.  Okay, just came back to this, this morning, and did some cutting and resulted in #3.  That's my pick.  What a transition!  I think I'm finally happy with it.  Less is more here.  J is also for Just Do It.
I like revising.  Do you?  Have you ever started with a poem or piece and messed with it so much that it ended up totally different?

Educational Jargon:

Jumbo: A lobster that weighs over 2-1/2 pounds.


6 comments:

  1. I'm not sure between 2 and 3, actually.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm. Maybe too much missing? By tonight it may have morphed into something different! Good thing I'm on the road most of today.

      Delete
  2. i like them all--esp. # 2----i love your theme this year :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yep, the third one is the best, but I like that rather tongue-in-cheek of no. 1. Nice to hear about the process, Donna!

    ReplyDelete

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