Here's the thing:
I wrote this first poem and posted it yesterday. Then I started messing around with it, kind of like the progressive poem that was done a bit ago, and edited all to pieces to come up with a new shorter poem. Well, I tried that in my own way, with the poem from yesterday. I kind of like all of them, for different reasons, and maybe the whole thing should be a poem, all together. I could name the format with its editing rules even. You will be able to discern what I took out each time and I think there is only one word change that was necessary. So my question to you is, which one is the best version, in your opinion? You can say you don't like any of them, and I will be slightly hurt by that opinion, but I will definitely take it into consideration, and it won't kill me. I do think it will be fun to see/hear/read others' viewpoints, so if you could vote for the number of the favored version at the top of the navigation column here, swell! If you can tell why in the comment area, sweller! If you don't like them at all, you can say why - and I thank you in advance for that opinion, because I won't be able to respond while I'm crying...just kidding. I can write when I'm crying because I can touch-type.
Spring to My Senses
1. (the original from yesterday)
Spring...
smells fresh
of grass and leafy buds
like greens and purples;
of dirt and worms
awakening.
Spring...
looks new
with changing shadows
like rippling waters;
with yellow dandelions
popping.
Spring...
feels soft
as a kitten or puppy
like a fuzzy friend;
as breezes
tickling.
Spring...
sounds gleeful
with goldfinches and robins
like a musical interlude;
with busy bugs
humming.
Spring...
tastes smoky
as blackened marshmallows
like burned bubbles;
as hot dogs
grilling.
©2012, Donna JT Smith
May 7, 2012
2.
Spring...
smells fresh
of dirt and worms
awakening.
Spring...
looks new
with yellow dandelions
popping.
Spring...
feels soft
as breezes
tickling.
Spring...
sounds gleeful
with busy bugs
humming.
Spring...
tastes smoky
as hot dogs
grilling.
©2012, Donna JT Smith
May 7, 2012
3.
Spring...
smells fresh
of grass and leafy buds,
like greens and purples.
Spring...
looks new
with changing shadows,
like rippling waters.
Spring...
feels soft
as a kitten or puppy,
like a fuzzy friend.
Spring...
sounds gleeful
with goldfinches and robins,
like a musical interlude.
Spring...
tastes smoky
as blackened marshmallows,
like burned bubbles.
©2012, Donna JT Smith
4.
Spring...
smells fresh,
awakening.
Spring...
looks new,
popping.
Spring...
feels soft,
tickling.
Spring...
sounds gleeful,
humming.
Spring...
tastes smoky,
grilling.
©2012, Donna JT Smith
5.
Spring...
smells
like greens and purples
Spring...
looks
like rippling waters
Spring...
feels
like breezes
Spring...
sounds
like a musical interlude
Spring...
tastes
like burned bubbles
©2012, Donna JT Smith
6.
Spring...
smells fresh,
of grass and leafy buds
awakening.
Spring...
looks new,
with changing shadows
popping.
Spring...
feels soft,
as a kitten or puppy
tickling.
Spring...
sounds gleeful,
with goldfinches and robins
humming.
Spring...
tastes smoky,
as blackened marshmallows
grilling.
©2012, Donna JT Smith
7.
Spring...
fresh awakening
new popping
soft tickling
gleeful humming
smoky grilling
©2012, Donna JT Smith
I happen to love the sensory details and the exuberance of the first version...although it was so interesting to see the poem morph and shift focus as you went from one edit to the next. Well done!
ReplyDeleteIt felt great to make a decision to cut the poem apart, and then to get brave enough to do it again and again.
DeleteLove that you tried this out! Number four is my favorite. I like the comma pauses before the final verb of each stanza, seems more powerful and emphasized. Great idea and great poetry playing!
ReplyDeleteIt was kind of liberating to realize that the whole poem might not be the best poem.
DeleteIt wasn't that easy to choose. I listened for the sounds and number 6 spoke to me. It was fascinating to see how you experimented.
ReplyDeleteAfter I wrote the first poem yesterday, I could see parts that could be omitted, yet still retain most of the poem. That was exciting, and just had to try it out.
Delete6 speaks to me as well. I loved that you shared each version with us. This would be great for kids to see--the evolution of the poem and the revisions it went through
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind, I pinned it to my mentor texts board on Pinterest
DeleteThat's great, Deb! I'm happy that it might be useful.
Deletemy favorite is 6--i love the robin and the marshmallows:)
ReplyDeleteI wondered about the marshmallows part, but it is time to start early grilling and popping those marshmallows on sticks!
DeleteI have to say I like them all! I enjoyed watching the changes to each version. This would be great to show my studens! I voted for version #3 but I also like #6 with the marshmallows and #7 because it was short and yet full of all the feelings the longer versions evoked.
ReplyDeleteIt was fun to see that there were other poems contained in the original, and that they each said pretty much the same thing with just some minor differences in "flavor".
DeleteI loved this Donna. You let us in on your creative process. I compose on the computer and don't have drafts because I edit on the spot. This has me rethinking that decision. Now...I love some of the language that was left out of my favorite..."smells fresh of grass and leafy buds, like greens and purples" and "tastes smoky, like blackened marshmallows". I like the cadence of Number 4 best though. I like the directness and word choice. I, also love your sense of humor especially about being able to write throught your tears because you can touch type! BUT I predict there were no tears because of such masterful work! Well done...all!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I didn't have to cry!
DeleteI felt brave cutting up the poem, and it became fun to see what other poems were in there. I usually overwrite, and then take out. It always feels good after the parts that shouldn't have been there are weeded, though there are always some words that I liked that have to go.
I think I like #3 the best, but I love the way you played with all those sensory images and crafted 7 different poems with it. I think you took a risk, sharing all of it with us, and it was a risk worth taking. Thanks for letting us see how you molded and shaped your words. Which one do you like best?
ReplyDeleteI actually like #3 best, also, but would make one more edit and take out all the "like"s, now that I read it again.
DeleteI voted for 7, but also really liked 4, Donna. I believe slimming down the words made what was left more spectacular. Like others say, let them simmer for a while, then look again. What a neat thing you've done by experimenting with this & by showing us, too.
ReplyDeleteAfter "simmering" and coming back to them, I think, as I replied to Jama, I like #3 with the word "like" taken out. I may change my mind again with further simmering, as I do like #4 also.
DeleteGreat! I like both 7 and 4.
ReplyDeleteDon't like the goldfinch line - goldfinches do not produce what could be called music, their song is the worst of all finches.
Oooh, I love goldfinch songs...not the nasal call, but their song...http://www.birdjam.com/birdsong.php?id=23. We have a few here on the coast of Maine.
DeleteA diet of poetry. I vote for #4. It sounded alive, and used more of my senses. Awakening, popping, tickling, humming and grilling. I thought #1 was like a full course meal, and I got lost in the details.
ReplyDeleteGood description of the first being a full course meal. Actually each stanza could be its own poem.
Delete