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| Moon and icicle sky from my porch |
Here's the repost from Monday part (see below for an actual poem AND a rewrite of it I did this morning - forgetting that I'd added to it already online, so now you have two poems that start the same and end differently):
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Ed DeCaria at Think, Kid Think is starting the March Madness poetry
writing tournament beginning on March 8. Click on the link to go there
to learn more about it and see who's in it this year (I made it!).
That's the day the poets in the line-up will receive their unique word
and write a kid's poem that includes that word. The first voting round
will be on March 12, when poetry lovers of all ages and registered
classrooms will be able to vote on their favorite poems. The winners of
each round will go on to compete until on April 2 there is one poet
left standing.I will at least be competing in the first round! Yea! Maybe I'll move on to the next round - that would be exciting!
Hope you will consider joining in on the reading and voting. It is going to be a fun month!
Who knows...maybe spring will show up in the middle of it!
Heh, heh, heh....that was kind of funny...
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| Welcome back to school - returning to school after Feb. Break yesterday |
I Wear My Snowpants in July
I always wear a nice warm hat
atop my freezing head;
Winter's not the only time
I've come to really dread.
In Maine we never can rely
on days for bathing suits -
I wear my snowpants in July,
in August don warm boots.
Though summer days are longer
It would be finer fun
if we could shed these longjohns
And get warmth from the sun.
Perhaps before the snow flies
this batch will melt and go,
And we will make sand castles
instead of forts of snow.
©Donna JT Smith
New Portion
The Second Rendition
I always wear a nice warm hat
atop my freezing head;
Winter's not the only time
I've come to really dread.
In Maine we never can rely
On days for bathing suits;
I wear my snowpants in July,
in August wear my boots.
In midst of June under the moon
My socks cover cold toes;
At break of day my scarf goes on
to wrap ‘round ears and nose.
It isn’t always quite this way,
There isn’t any reason
Not to enjoy the one warm day
We have out of this season.
Put on your bathing suit that day
Get out there in the sun
On July fourth, I’m sad to say,
Summer started and is done.
©Donna JT Smith, 2015
So if you were to pick, which one would it be and why - The first poem or the second?
Congratulations on getting into March Madness! I'm looking forward to it.
ReplyDeleteI love your summation of how one might react to a critique. It made me laugh out loud. I hope this goes well.
I like the first one better. It's a little shorter, and I think it's the right length for what you have to say--eg, June is redundant to July and August, both of which are said in such a charming way. In addition I like that the first one has "longjohns" which is such a fun word and image, and I prefer the ending of the first--I love the contrast of sand castles and snow forts. They are both a lot of fun, but I extra love the first.
Thanks, Karin! Thanks for giving me such a well-thought out critique. It is very helpful. A friend of mine that reads my blog but never comments on the blog (just in emails) liked the same one. I think your points make a lot of sense. Unfortunately, I deleted part of my post as I hadn't gotten any responses yet (yours had JUST come in as I was deleting) and I wondered if it didn't come across well...I thought it was funnily true...but maybe others didn't! So of course, Blogger doesn't keep anything, so it is gone for good...unless I try to recreate it, which I won't.
DeleteI like the first better, too, Donna, nice & tight, says just enough. I still love the idea of "summer of the snow pants"!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda. It is good to have someone else stand back and look at things more objectively. I liked parts of the second one, but they never "went" the way I wanted them to sound and it was more work doing that second poem. The first was easier and flowed out better. I guess that should always be a clue, too! You can tell when it's overworked dough...
DeleteHere's sending you sunlight and sparkles from the eternally-sunny Singapore. Love the look of those icicles.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sunlight! I think I just saw a minute more of it this morning! We have more than enough icicles this year. I'm hoping the sun is strong enough to melt some today.
DeleteHa! I prefer the first one but I really like the last July 4th lines of the second version. Nice to see your process. Maybe you should consider moving.... ; )
ReplyDeleteI would, but I actually prefer cold to hot!
DeleteI wear my snowpants in July...
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh, it reminded me of my one and only swimming experience in Maine - wish I'd worn snowpants!
Ah, yes! We really should put warnings up along the ocean in Maine! I like to sit on the rocks and watch people "from away" get into the ocean here for the first time. It isn't ANYTHING like the Atlantic off the coast of Florida!
DeleteDonna, I have deleted my own comment TWICE now... I automatically go to lower right, thinking that's the right spot to click to publish... and it's a sign-out tab instead! ANYWAY. Thank you for these poems. "Summer of the Snowpants" would be a great poem title. I wonder if you might add stanza breaks and use quatrains in the first poem? I love the breathing space it provides! One of my memories of vacationing in (summer) Maine is having lobster as many ways as possible... though we did draw the line at lobster ice cream (and now I regret it!). Happy day!
ReplyDeleteLobster roll, no lettuce, no mayo, please, is my favorite. Did you try the Lobster Mac and Cheese? As for lobster ice cream - you must mean Shain's of Maine. Chocolate candy moose in iv e cream maybe? I've never heard of real lobster in ice cream and not sure I'd try it either! Gramp was a lobsterman and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have thought that was a good idea!
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